I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
very niche meme I made
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
IT’S-A ME,
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?