When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.