I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
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Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes