I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
🤣🤣🤣
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun