me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The options really are this bad
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no