@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.