Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
hmm conte-me mais
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned