boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk