It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Passwords are more important than ever.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers