I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
You Might Also Like
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
beware of dog
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.