If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
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Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Is this a threat?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Dishonest mechanic?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.