Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.