[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
So inspired right now.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??