If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
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telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Support your local cemetery
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.