[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
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Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life