I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason