me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
welp
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.