Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
That’s what I call a flat tire
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
s
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If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed