No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no