Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.