My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
You Might Also Like
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
notice
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws