She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE