A new level of troll.
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.