[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
house sitting!
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
idk flipping houses looks really hard
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.