To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
every college guy’s fridge
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My dad teaching me to drive
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?