*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
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that colleague who touches your screen
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Basketball
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Who needs an Air Fryer?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…