Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*