I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”