Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.