Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.