Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.