I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (鉂わ笍) and I can do dinosaur (馃), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I unironically love this joke.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let鈥檚 see how this plays out
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you鈥檙e a couple
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
This makes total sense…
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: I鈥檒l cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
We live by the school and my tween鈥檚 friends keep dropping by for food. Like I鈥檓 a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.