“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
What the dentist sees
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
wut hotdog?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now