A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You Might Also Like
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.