The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout