My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.