Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
get you a girl who
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.