I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Same pineapple, same
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.