boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
IT’S-A ME,
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud