Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first