Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Oceanography is all about current events
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’