I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Shortcut
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
The best shot in the history of golf
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
thanksgiving in nutshell