I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right