My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.