[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’d love this…lol
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Favourite diary entry ever
operators are standing by to ignore your call
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”