What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.