My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
The news is so predictable nowadays
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
#merica
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.