I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
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My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches