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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
You know…for fall…
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids