I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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depression for dummies
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
just make the entire table out of coaster
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma